Waiting It Out
Hoping he does not fall asleep in the car on the way home from the zoo. Working his sleeping body carefully out of the car seat in the hope of transferring him to the bed still asleep. Hurrying through an unhappy but necessary diaper change. Nursing in bed. Murmuring Wherever You Are: My Love Will Find You. Hoping the sawing and banging coming from the gut renovation next door does not keep him awake. Grimacing when Ocean Waves transitions to Octopus’s Garden instead of looping back on itself. Laughing out loud when he unlatches, looks up, and begins dancing in bed. Resetting Ocean Waves to repeat continuously. Nursing on the second side. Humming Simple Gifts. Wrapping my arm around his wriggling body. Breathing deeply. Patting his back as he crawls on top of me. Rubbing our noses together in an eskimo kiss. Nursing on the first side again. Pulling him back as he crawls to the foot of the bed. Denying to myself that this will likely be a naptime fail. Rocking him in my arms until he requests to be put down. Nursing some more. Stroking his hair. Pulling him back. Nursing. Humming. Breathing. Feeling seeds of frustration rise up. Choosing love instead. Gently picking him up. Getting out of bed. Believing that, even if not now, sleep will come.